Rise And Fall

I do get this feeling many times... With every fall..you rise higher..May be any fall allows you to look at life afresh. It asks you to redefine your perspectives..which gives you a feeling you are born again..It adds freshness to your life..
So, it is not necessary to fear failures..many times just by fear of failure we don't give ourselves enough chance to live...

I had written a poem long back as a reply to one my friend's blog , which is lost now due to he deleted his blog. I am putting it again with some additions...

I don't fear the fall
I am ready to crawl
no matter how many times I fall
I will get up and stand tall

Falling is my destiny
getting up is my nature
Don't think it as a cage
It is just another page

fall is the past
rise is the future
worrying about these
is for stupid creatures


without fall there is no rise
without rise there is no fall
my friend this life is very small
every time just pick up the call

It is seized..
I am ceased..
trying to lease
another way

I am waiting...alone
looking at everything unknown
waiting for a tone
that is never heard

It is gone
don't mourn
carry on
ask yourself you have anything that you really own??

it is so clear
that flair
will not be seen again

it is so bad
that i am sad
and I don't want to get out of it..

and i know
now things as i see
the way I want them to be
will never happen that way

I wish to cry
breaking all my dams
leaving no cramps
in my heart behind

All I want to know
is how many compromises I should make
to fake
that I am happy!!!!!!!

though it is dark
and I used to love that spark
Now I love the dark

And I fear the light
as it brings..
new hopes new dreams
which I know
will be shattered as they have been

In the end
all I wish
is only peace
within me..

Will there be any harmony if everybody is playing guitar?????

to be free...

I am walking on a freeway
may be I know where I want to go
may be I don't..
may be I know what I am looking in my journey
may be I don't...
may be I am aware of what lies ahead
may be I am not
may be I am looking for a company
may be I am not
should I let someone steer it for me
should I follow someone so that I don't land alone
should i go fearless taking risk all the time..
should I care what other think of me
what is that I fear the most???
I know..one thing that nature hates the most..
it never likes to repeat itself..
i am a new experiment of nature..
why should I follow someone...why should let someone steer my wheel... which is the only thing I own
why should I fear landing alone..
I came alone..I will go alone..
why should I fear anything is this world..as
anyone cant take me away from me..
may be I have got the key
to be just me...
to be free...
to be free...

hey..can you tell me the meaning of settling down
is it growing old or getting tired of struggling on
is it to say I am tired and I am gone
when fighting on is no more fun

life is a game life is a song
when someone comes someone is gone
I don't know what to do
when your heart plays ping pong

when smile of someone makes your day
doesn't matter whether it is December or May

they say life is mean life is short
don't be late in the matter of heart

on one end of life I wish all the thrill
on the other side I feel I had enough of drill
this contradiction is here to stay
I think I should live only for the present day

who knows what tomorrow brings
why to care for the something that doesn't exists
current moment is my feast
let me live till tomorrow sleeps!!!

legacy of stupidity...

life is to realize how stupid you were a moment before;taking a pause to laugh at it the current moment and becoming more confident , polished , sophisticated in your future super stupid acts.
so, this legacy of stupidity continues...and it should continue... :)

moments...

There are moments in life which make you feel..life is not about winning..it is not about loosing...it is not about achieving something...It is all about experiencing...It is all about making friends as much as possible..It is all about sharing as much as possible ..It is loving everything life has given to you..It is all about leaving whatever you have the next moment as if never belonged to you..it is all about fooling yourself by not asking yourself decisions you take should really be taken..it is about not to think, stop translating your feelings at that moment..

Miss you Intel and Bangalore...

Mausam...

I am back to Lucky Ali after a long time..the song that is haunting me now is mausam.When I first heard sifar, the album to which Mausam belongs..I was mesmerized by each and every bit of it. Mausam later was used in Dollar dreams . That added a new flavor to that song making it more closer to my heart. Putting part of it which appeals me the most

Mausam bhi yaar hai gulshan gharbaar hai
Barkha ka saath hai aisi saugaath hai
Ab jaaye kab aaye kaise bolo
Jinke saath dil lagta hai, unke saath holo

Jaana kahan tha humko, kahan hum chal diye
Choti choti hasraton mein hum dhul mil gaye
Soch ke kya nikle the yeh kya hum kar gaye
Jo kehte woh na karte na in mein reh gaye

Rab yeh jaane ab kya hoga rastha hai mushkil
Kis chourahe pe khade hai yaar

seriously..I want to ask..Kis chourahe pe khade hai yar???

Thanks Lucky Ali for the song..and Syd Aslam for such a wonderful lyrics..

Return to Innocence....

This incident happened in guitar class I go these days..As I entered the class, I saw a place empty and boarded myself and my guitar on the sit. Then I looked around.. I saw a very cute little girl sitting on my right.She must be something like 10 years old. She was also looking at me.. I couldn't stop myself asking her name..

Me: Hi..Whats your name?
She: Hi..My name is Urvaja..but everybody calls me Urvi..
Me: Good..
Then I started practicing my guitar . Meanwhile, a student in our class who is kind of oldest one in class (45+)was leaving class and saw her and he must have had similar feeling as me and asked the girl..

Old guy: Hi..whats your name?
She:Urvaja...
Old guy: Very good... In which standard you are?
She: 4rth standard..
Old Guy: Very good..In which school?
She: In MPS/NPS Koramangala..(I didn't hear school name clearly)
Old guy: Very good...

And he went.. Then she looked at me and asked..

She: Why he was saying good so many times..?
Me: You are the youngest in the class and he is the oldest..so he was very happy seeing you...
She: Hmm..(Looking satisfied with my answer)
She: Do you know How old I am?

Now..questions that comes to my mind is who teaches girls to ask other guess their age at such an early stage? Must be genetically coming to create and maintain curiosity about their age.. :D

Now, I calculated as she is in 4rth standard..she must be around 9-10..

Me: you must around 9-10 ..
She: Great!!!! I am 9..

And again I got back practicing my guitar..meanwhile she was trying to do exercise given by our teacher..rather restlessly...
After sometime, as our teacher was not in room..our conversation started..

She: Where are your spects?
I was surprised...I was wearing contacts and how come she knows I wear spects...

Me: How do you know I wear spects?
She: I saw you wearing while you came ... the black ones..
Me: Oh..those are my sunglasses..
She: You look good with that. Why don't you wear it now..
I said to myself goooood...at least this little girl ..9 years thinks I look good :) . Back of the mind I was thinking girls of my age should learn from her and should have same feeling :P

Me: Thanks...but if I wear it now..people will consider I am blind..and with sunglasses in night and with playing guitar..people will start putting coins in front of me..
She:No..you are not going to play it on street or what..you are going to play in this class and nobody is going to put coins.. you know.. you should always BE POSITIVE..look at it positively..

I was floored...A little girl or angel I should say telling me to be positive..it was so cute...

She:(suddenly) What is your blood group?
Me: Be Positive..
She: Wow..Mine is also B+..look at my hands..they are so RED...

Then our teacher came and started playing a song..Tuze sab hai pata hai na Maa from Taare Zameen Par..and she suddenly asked
She: is this song in minor scale..?
Sir: No..It is in Major Scale..
She: How come...? it is a silent song....
Sir:....
She: Sir...Do you like Hindustani Classical?
Sir: Yes..
She: I LOOOOOOOVE hindustani classical..But I hate western music..

Our teacher was playing a song..and he missed a line in the song..
She: Sir....you always miss a line...
Sir:......

Then our conversation again started..
She: I have a keyboard at my home..
Me: Good... So what all you are learning..?
She: I am learning singing..Keyboard..drums..dance..Taekwondo..
Me: Are you planning to start a band..?
She: I already have a band..in school
Me:good(with a smile)
She: I have my own TV..own laptop..own iPoD..own home theater..and own room and I also have AC.. I have everyyyyyyything that a girl needs (smiles)
Me: very good..
She: and I have very good Mom and Dad..I Loooooooooove my parent..do you love your parents..?
Me: Off course..yes..
She: (smiles)...


She again asked me some guitar doubts in between as sir was not around..and last thing I remember she said was..
She: I want to learn everything in this world...(with an innocent smile..)

This whole interaction with this cute Angel made me think a lot..She is just a 9 year old..She is so enthusiastic about learning so may things..and she is doing it also..There is so much enthusiasm to take from her..There is so much innocence in her...I hope she should always find someone around who will keep her innocence intact...

May be every one of us was like her when we were that young...What has really happened to us..? Where we have lost that innocence..? Why we lost it ? Is there....is there any way to get it back...?

May be we haven't lost that innocence yet...it is somewhere in back of our minds ready to come back..we just have to open the door..
The only problem is.. In this bad bad materialistic world..if we try to be innocent ,it is kind of tough to survive...but can we get a place where we can be innocent again..or where you can rely to be innocent..

May be someone who is as innocent as you..The best person is you life partner..who is ready to walk with you all your life..with him it is safe to return for you to innocence.. and same holds for other person also...

If you find someone like that..then life will really become a fairy tale... isn't it?

My wait in ON... :)

Every Moment...

Every moment brings new faith
we are going close to death

every moment we have the fear
are we born cowards dear

every moment is so new
In the end we'll feel I had so few

Every moment is new dream
only wishing all the cream

every moment is new dawn
as long as to you are not a pawn

Every moment is full of fight
you keep tight as enemy is night

every moment is a song
I wish we could sing along

every moment is sunshine
When I feel you are mine

every moment brings new grace
when I see your smiling face

every moment is new start
when you have love in your heart

every moment brings new season
oh my dear you are the reason

Poised...

I was trying to dig a hole
thinking it was my only role
it took my too much toll
Killing all my will to live

correlating reality and dream
it never happens as it seems
I don't want to live a dream
All I want is a humble scream

I just want to clean my past
may that way I can re cast
Losing myself is what I crave
I want to be again naive

I just want to lose myself
looks the only way to find myself
That should show where I stand
clearing whatever is blind

craziness is full of me
insanity may be is the key

Thinking how hard I was cast
I know it wont last
just waiting for me to blast
leaving me an iconoclast

every breath that I do take
only thing that I cant fake
makes me feel I am born
recoding whatever is torn


There is gap in me which I cant fill
unaware how it was drilled
makes my heart a grinding mill
may be you are "The One" who can heal


feeling lost in corpse of the past
I know I must move on fast
calming myself till I dawn
poised to see the new future drawn





(Note: I wrote this one with Hangover of Fade To Black by Metallica. Try to sing this one with that rhythm)

Sometimes....

sometimes..when you try to walk
on the path of dreams
you get the shock

sometimes..when you try to dream
with all your steam
you get the knock

Sometimes..when you try to love
like a crazy bird
you are never heard
case dismissed as if
you are part of the dreary herd

sometimes..when you try run
like the Forrest Gump
why your heart denies to pump???

sometimes..when you want to cry
like a flowing stream
when your heart wants to scream
but the eyes go dry...

sometimes..I do try to ask
whether I was wrong
that I wrote a song
for you..
whether I was wrong
that I waited so long
for you..

sometimes..I want to dance
and go in a trance
with you..

Sometimes..I want to forget
I want to forgive
whatever happened
like a phew!!!

sometimes, I want sit
with you in the breeze
till my eyes freeze
with you...


sometimes..I wish brand New day
everyday..
so I can fall in love with you
everyday..

Sad but true...

Yesterday I saw the Movie Kite runner based on the novel by Khaled Hosseini.

This film touched something deep inside me. This is a story of Amir a well-to-do boy living in Kabul in monarchical Afghanistan and Hassan-loyal friend and servant of Amir. Both are very good friends. Hassan is the kite runner of the story. He is the real Hero of the story. He is very simple boy who is loyal to his master. He will go to any extend to save his friend and master. He is innocent and very much selfless.
His simplicity and loyalty made me cry. He is not intelligent and may be that is why he is so simple. Most of the times intelligence brings cunningness and selfishness with it. This thought really baffles me. I am scared of intelligent people on this earth. Somehow, I am starting to be comfortable with people who are not intelligent...who be loyal, selfless, simple. When I say this, I don't mean I would like them to loyal slaves of someone but they would be much dependable and simple to decipher.

There will be some exceptions where intelligence may forbid cunningness and selfishness. But at some point of time almost all of these so called intelligent creatures like you and me will be on the other side. sad but true...isnt it?

In Hibernation....

I wanted to be in a state of hibernation in last few days. I was really trying hard to be in that state. I didn't wanted think anything, react to anything. I was just passively looking at things happening around me. I just wanted to be a witness. I was just trying to do things as they they come and pass on time.
This state definitely sounds quite boring. But I felt a peace inside me during this period. I was just doing three things throughout the day..Work in office, Gym and guitar at home. Nothing else was on mind and I wasn't even thinking about anything else. I was so dissolved in all this.
I didn't realize how this time passed and though I worked hard on the things I was doing, I never felt tired, bored or needed any effort to do I was doing. There was no contradiction in me about what I was doing.
Many times having discussions with friends on failures and successes in life and how one should handle them, we had a consensus on process is important and not the outcome. We spend most of the time in process and that is why we should try to enjoy the process without worrying about the outcome.
May be running for results will not give you what you want. You may realize this after running and achieving for what you wanted to run. You will say what is next..and we will keep on creating newer and newer milestone looking for something which we also will never know
I don't want to say that one should strive to find out what he is looking in his life. I am not saying that one should look for something eternal and leave out search of ephemeral. It is to realize there is nothing to achieve..there is nothing to conquer..there is nothing to own...life doesn't have any grandeur purpose may be....
My last para may sound a bit nihilist :) but cant help it..This is what I was feeling throughout this time. Coming back to running.. instead for running for the sake of achieving something..why not run for the sake of running..Isn't this quite simple...Message by Krishna or Forrest Gump is the same... I just felt like running :)

Intelligence should Culminate into awareness...

I have been thinking from last few days about this. I have been trying to get into all our basic motives. I have been asking myself why I am doing whatever I do? What prompted me to do so..
What I am looking to achieve through all my ambitions I cherished so far? Will I get whatever I want even after fulfilling my ambitions?? What I am really looking in my life?? While taking any decision in life whether I asked myself this question that is this what I am really looking for???

All this questions pointed me to study formation of myself. How I am as I am? Why I am as I am?
This is like debugging your own source code. I found it extremely simple and extra-ordinarily difficult at the same time. The easy part is all answers are within you, toughest being to be frank with yourself. You need to look at yourself as a subject.

This way I have been discovering causality of all my actions, motives, ambitions, joys, sorrows, crying, laughters. Worst thing is I could see the why I have a particular set of notions, ideas, beliefs. And this brought me a terrible feeling of being manipulated by my surroundings. Whatever beliefs, notions, ideologies I had were functions of what I have read so far or deeply hidden in my unconscious.

Till this moment, I realized I was byproduct of my surroundings. My very own thinking process was conditioned to work in a specific way with some assumptions. Our actions are function of our thinking ..thinking is function of memory ..and this very memory is conditioned by our society. So, in short we are biochemical robots programmed by society living in an illusion that we are master of our own life which is in fact one more illusion :). Wah!!!!!

So, these intelligent people achieving bigger and brighter things in the world are really kind of intelligent but unaware machines doing a job (program thread) written by their surroundings.

I strongly believe, this kind of intelligence will lead us nowhere. This intelligence must transcend existing notions of intelligence and should culminate into awareness. This awareness should help us understand our own source code. We should rethink our own source code and should delete part which makes no sense to us. Keep the part which makes sense to us. This process of restructuring your own self is really interesting and peacemaking. The deeper you go life becomes very simple.

It is not a process which will make you more logical. It will make you more natural. It will lead you to a freedom that is so Pure that just thought of it makes me cry. This freedom will re-discover your innocence which you think you lost but it was always within you hidden behind shells which created in the name of growing old.

For no reason you can feel like crying...any hint of music will make you feel I wanna dance... Any smile will make you feel I wanna dissolve in this smile...

That is why I feel Intelligence should Culminate into awareness... otherwise it is useless(to you ..not to society)..

Dont try to be different....

To get noticed by people around or to make us feel better of ourselves we try to be different than others. But there is no need absolutely to be different . If you just try to be yourself that should be enough..As everybody around is trying to be someone else.... you will anyway be different...

Interpreting Matrix...

Matrix Trilogy is one the most celebrated feature film of our generation. I feel Very few people understood the movie in the first attempt. With seeing it many times and some surfing people understood it literally.

Movie shows that Machines have overtaken the world and are doing farm of humans to generate energy for there survival. So, whatever we see is a virtually simulated world thinking it as the reality. Morpheus is doing the job of freeing more and more people from this virtual reality and rest of story everybody knows.

I think Matrix is a symbolic reality. What machines are doing in matrix? They are simulating a virtual world in our minds and we are feeling that is reality. Have we tried to look at functioning of our mind? How it takes decisions? How is oscillates? How it responds to certain stimuli?
Our mind is a kind of biochemical program which is being continuously programmed. Our actions are function of our thought, thought is a function of our memory. And this memory is conditioned by our surroundings. Most of the our notions based on this memory. Most of our thoughts, composures , attitude are based on it.
SO, all our ambitions, actions are motivated by what we read, what we think(again memory). So, in a way it is what there in this memory that decides who we are? what we are doing? why we are doing?
Now as we have started introspecting into what drives us, what makes us.... what we are now...where are we going...where we really wanna go...We can trace most of our drives, ambitions, motivations.. We were directly or indirectly instructed to follow a path..If we are honest enough to admit roots of these ambitions are really weak. They all look foolish. We were made to think that way. Here comes analogy of virtual world created by Machines in Matrix. We are programmed by this society for its benefits and vested interests. Whatever that is been told to us , taught to us in not necessarily for our good.

Now, as in matrix to free ourselves from this virtual reality means freeing us from our conditioned memory. Deleting all the crap that is there. Keeping things which makes sense..Asking ourselves is this really what I want to do...not asking our memory what I want to do..That is real freedom expressed symbolically in Matrix.

This is to free us from all stupid notions..stupid ideologies we are carrying...to make our vision clear... from dust which is there from centuries....to give us a new look...new beginning ..to look afresh at an illusion.. called Life :)